How To Communicate More Effectively For Superior Results
Effective communication is the secret to getting your needs met. For effective communication to occur, you have to be able to state your message clearly, and someone needs to listen and understand it. It is impossible to control how well people will listen, but how well our message is sent can certainly be controlled. This sounds simple, but many people run into difficulties by using an inappropriate communication style.
There are four styles of communication: a. Aggressive, b. Passive, c. Passive-aggressive and d. Assertive
An aggressive communication style is one where the point of view is expressed with little or no regard for the rights, thoughts and feelings of others. Aggressive communication is intimidating, manipulative, and more about power and control, rather than cooperation and communication. Bullying, yelling, threatening and blackmailing may get the job done, but the cost to personal and business relationships may be very high. Being on the receiving end can be frightening and generate resentment and anger.
The passive style is ultimately about never getting your needs met. Some people do not, or can not, express their needs openly. Some would rather agree with whatever is going on, or 'do without' rather than risk rocking the boat. By not communicating their needs to others, there is little chance they will be met. This can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, not being worth the trouble, or the idea they are being intentionally neglected.
Communicating in the passive-aggressive manner is about being indirect. Some people just hint at what they really want. Others are expected to anticipate their needs by inferring message or action that needs action. The purpose or action desired is never stated clearly. Some examples are: the silent treatment, pouting, sarcasm, making faces or rolling the eyes. The problem here is that it is expected that people can read these indirect messages clearly. Since people are not mind readers, this doesn't work very well.
The most effective style of communicating is the assertive mode. This is the ability to clearly express ones thoughts and feelings, as they occur, without trampling others' rights. It involves the ability to take responsibility for communicating what one believes, needs and wants. It is equally important to be able to disagree and say no in a way that respects the rights of others. Expressing ideas in a straightforward, assertive manner can build respect, self-esteem, and certainly make relationships more productive and less volatile. How do we do this?
Be direct, specific, and honest with the person you are communicating with. If there is a problem being discussed, state it clearly and do not avoid the issue. Be specific and give examples that illustrate the point being made. Do not allow emotions to control communication. When this happens, one can get caught up in the emotion and lose the intended message.
Here is a formula that has been around for quite some time that can help send a clear message. "When you__________. I feel ___________, and I want/need you to ____________." An example with the blanks filled in would be: "When you...come home from work and go straight to the TV, I feel...neglected and taken for granted. I'd like you to...say hello and maybe give me a hug before you relax." In this example, the specific action causing concern is clearly stated, the emotion and feeling is owned and identified, and the desired corrective action is stated. Basically, ones need are put out on the table for consideration. It doesn't necessarily mean that they will be met, but at least they are stated in a clear, direct and non-threatening manner.
An assertive, direct, communication style will result in a much greater chance that ones needs will be met. It is up to the other party to listen to what is being said and act on it...or not. At least you have done your part to maximize chances for your message to be clearly considered and understood.
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